Have you met your soulmate? I truly thought I had. Until I took a six-week break from flying and MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! (Or so I thought…)
Remember that little love letter I put out into the universe?
(Read it in my previous post STILL SINGLE IN YOUR 30s? THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!) Well, a funny thing happened. Not long after I published that post, all of MY EXS made their way back into my life!
All I truly wanted was to find the love of my life.
I knew I was ready. Yet, strangely, I was put into unexpected situations where instead, I first had to confront each of my ex-lovers. Either online or face-to-face. I was so confused at the time and wondered why the universe had sent waves of emotional upheaval my way! But in my heart, I also knew that this was a sign. I would not meet the love of my life until I was able to clear these emotional blocks. So in order to truly move on, I had to reflect on how each of my past relationships had impacted my life.
Deep down, I knew that I was still carrying a lot of hurt.
But I’ve been single for ten years now, so I’ve had a lot of time to come to terms with the loss of past lovers. One had cheated on me. Another got his mum to dump me over the phone. (We were 17 at the time, but still, what a jerk!) And the other became a best friend but not a lover. Over time, the pain had become less and less and I truly thought I’d left it all in the past. I truly felt that I was ready to meet the love of my life. Yet, as I tried to move on, something seemed to be blocking me from finding love again.
I’d put myself out there and wear my heart on my sleeve when I started to feel an attraction.
But perhaps this was my downfall as I’d always manage to see the good qualities in a potential partner. I’d dive into dating head-first hoping to meet the love of my life! Putting walls up at first, but falling quickly for a man who caught my eye and then showed me enough attention. Yet I’d often ignore their downsides and as a result, I’d often end up getting hurt.
Over the years, I’d always manage to pull myself back together after each heartbreak.
However, the rejection took its toll. Eventually, I sensed that I had developed a self-limiting belief that I was not worthy. And I began to think that I would never find a man who would show me the undying love and affection that I deserved – and craved!
Somehow, I never gave up hope that my soulmate was still out there somewhere, waiting for the right time to enter my life. But I’d wonder what I was doing that was preventing anyone from falling in love with me.
Truth be told, all I really needed to do was continue to focus on loving myself.
I am lucky to have a lot of close friends who have supported me through my single years. They have always reminded me that I am an amazing person. (Even though I often found this hard to hear!) Whenever I expressed doubt that I would ever find ‘The One’ they reassured me that the right man was still out there. (And insisted that he would be lucky to have me!)
I wanted in my heart to believe them. I knew that the love of my life was still out there somewhere.
But it wasn’t until I actually spoke with each of my ex-lovers that I knew for sure that I was, in fact, worthy of someone’s eternal love! Seeing the regret in each of my ex’s eyes, I was able to put any past hurt behind me and finally close the door on the past. And it was then that I finally met the love of my life! (Or at least, so I thought). Yes, that’s right. Somehow, he just appeared, seemingly out of nowhere! But let me start from the beginning.
Earlier this year I went to see a tarot reader for this first time. I was slightly sceptical, but I was also so frustrated and confused about where my life was headed that I was willing to open my mind and give it a go.
There was one particular psychic that I felt particularly drawn to, but for quite a while I’d put off picking up the phone.
Until the day came that I finally decided to make the call. I dialled Abbey Rose’s number and she answered in a bright and cheerful voice that instantly put me at ease. By chance, she had a last minute cancellation, which meant that she could see me that same day. (As it turns out, she is a highly-regarded tarot reader so that was probably a force of The Law of Attraction in action!)
I caught the tram to the address she gave me and waited nervously in the foyer until she came down to greet me with a friendly smile.
She then seated me at a small table. For a moment, I was somewhat distracted by the amazing view of the Melbourne cityscape from the large glass window beside us. However, she gently guided me into the reading and I selected the option to explore the present, two years into the future and then five years into the future.
As I sat in front of the tarot spread I was somewhat confused by the cards that I drew.
Mostly because it was my first reading and I didn’t fully understand what they meant. However, Abbey laid them in front of me and then offered an interpretation, writing notes for me to take home since there was so much to take in.
I left and she looked at me and smiled as she exclaimed, “That was a great reading!”
I was feeling very overwhelmed at the time and if I am completely honest I felt a little ripped off. Admittedly, I didn’t ask many questions. However, she hadn’t offered specific details of what the future had in store me. Nervously, I explained that I was feeling a little confused and didn’t quite understand what she’d told me. But again she just smiled and said “Of course not! You have to go home and internalise everything I’ve told you. Months from now, when you look back on this reading it will make more sense.”
And she was absolutely right!
There was information offered during the reading that had confirmed some of the recent struggles I’d encountered in the workspace over the past year. She’d confirmed the significance of my need for inner strength, courage and determination in finding a work-life balance. She predicted a solution to a problem would be quickly resolved within the next 6-8 weeks. (Which turned out to be the purchase of my new car. Read that story here!) Positive financial resolves were also on the cards for the August and then I drew The Wish Card.
And she and I both knew exactly what it was that I wanted – to meet the love of my life!
Abbey took the time to explain the concept of a twin-flame soulmate, demonstrating the power of two flames connecting using candles. She described the deep emotional pain that I had experienced and the sense of inner loneliness that I often feel. Abbey acknowledged how I had learnt to walk away from a previous lover. Not because I didn’t still care for him, but because I was asserting that his actions were not okay. And then she suggested that I write a note:
My Wish Card
I accept the possibility of a passionate, loyal, stable and fulfilling relationship with the love of my life – my ‘twin flame’ soulmate!
Abbey instructed me to make a copy of the note and pin it on the fridge so that I could be reminded of it daily to aid in manifesting it into my life.
I did this, reluctant that an unexpected guest would one day see it! The Wish Card filled me with optimism. Yet, somehow it was the two cards that I drew for my future that intrigued me the most. Two Years On I drew Little Red Riding Hood (The Fool) and Five Years On I drew Sleeping Beauty (The Death Card). This symbolised that by 2020 I would be following my hopes and dreams and by age 40 I would enter a major transition by starting a brand new life. Abbey wrote,
“Close the door on the past. Focus on the future and a brand new life waits in the wings!”
Feeling both uplifted and inspired, I then spent the next six months working through my past relationship issues.
I wanted to learn how to truly accept the mistakes I had made in the past. After reflecting on the dating books I’d recently read, I followed Matthew Hussey’s blog, “Get The Guy”, which offers advice on modern dating. I completed a short course by The Daily Om – ‘Be Free from Unhealthy Relationships.’ And I downloaded several ‘Law of Attraction’ apps to my iPhone and listened to hypnosis scripts each night as I fell asleep holding a rose quartz crystal to attract love into my life.
During the coming months my grandmother passed away and I came face-to-face with my last boyfriend at the funeral.
We had been in each other’s lives since we were kids. He was a friend of the family, as our grandmothers were neighbours! By age 25, though, I had made the heart-breaking decision to end our relationship and this was the first time I had seen him since I’d moved on with my new life. We have remained distant friends over the years, but seeing him in person at a time of such huge grief was extremely confronting. Especially given that I’d previously thought that he would be ‘The One’.
It was at this time that I also recalled a book that a friend had previously leant to me. It had intrigued me, yet somehow I hadn’t got around to reading it yet.
Deciding that it would help me to deal with the grief, I immersed myself in “The Survival of the Soul”. The book offers an explanation of the afterlife and is written by an internationally acclaimed medium, Lisa Williams. (Which seemed fitting as my Grandmother’s maiden name was Williams). It also explained our Life Contract, experiences in Past Lives and the roles that our personal relationships play in each lifetime.
Up until this point, I had thought that a recent lover was my soulmate!
We shared a spiritual connection that was so overpowering that I could sense when he was thinking about me. My heart would start pounding inside my chest and I would know it was him. Yet, in my heart, I knew he wasn’t open to falling in love. So for the past four years, I’ve had my heart broken over and over again. I’d held onto the hope that he would one day be ready to embrace what it was that we shared on more than just a physical level.
Late one night, though, I had the startling realisation that he quite possibly had been my husband in a past life.
Sensing that it had been a very toxic relationship, I suddenly knew that his presence in this lifetime was to remind me that I deserved better! I saw him once more and then finally learnt to ‘walk away’ – as the tarot spread had confirmed.
Several weeks after my grandmother’s funeral, I was still in the process of clearing all of these emotional blocks when I attended my high school reunion.
I grew up in a small country town and had been extremely close to my old school friends, so I was looking forward to catching up with everyone. I knew that most of my old school friends were married with kids by now. Yet I was somewhat anxious about seeing the first ever love of my life – my high school boyfriend. He is now divorced, but has recently started dating another girl from our school, so I was worried it might be awkward (and it was!). He gave me a hug, but we were quickly interrupted by everyone else and their questions about why I was still single!
I laughed and said I’d forgotten to read the memo about getting married and starting a family.
However, I did acknowledge that I was ready to settle down and that I should at least start dating again! My old high school friends are kind-hearted country boys who I feel completely comfortable with as they were also a part of my childhood. They offered me supportive advice, assuring it would happen when I wanted it to! So I left, deciding then and there that I needed to stop wasting my time on f* boys (sorry Mum!) and find a genuine partner that I could rely on and trust!
When I returned to Melbourne, I opened my Tinder app and painstaking persisted with swiping through endless bad photos and the cliché “Hey, How are you”’ messages. Yes, I know Tinder is not typically regarded as a good place to meet your soulmate! But ironically, it was my Mum that suggested that I give Tinder another go! My cousin recently got engaged to a man she met on Tinder. So now Mum thinks that everyone meets the love of their life on dating apps these days!
I was somewhat doubtful that I would meet the love of my life on Tinder! But I did acknowledge that the down-to-earth type of man I was seeking was most likely on there.
In fact, I highly doubted that I would find him on any of the paid dating apps. So I matched with a number of men that I was attracted to, trying to look for men that weren’t necessarily my usual tattooed, gym-junkie ‘bad boy’ type.
Knowing that I was finally ready to move on, I then followed a strong instinct I had to write a list of each person that I had romantic connections with.
And one by one, I crossed out each name and set fire to the list!
Two days later, a man who I felt certain was the love of my life made his way into my life and I can honestly say that it was absolutely mind-blowing. The connection we felt was instant and I knew straight away that he could potentially be my twin flame soulmate.
I’ve heard of love at first sight. But, aside from a few photos on our Tinder profiles, we hadn’t even laid eyes on each other!
Yet somehow, the conversation just flowed. And despite my usual reluctance at first, within a few short weeks, I knew I was falling for him. The more we spoke and shared stories the more I could see me building a future with him. Being cautious not to rush into a relationship though, I was happy to take the time to build a strong foundation talking on the phone first.
However, sadly this is where the love story takes a downward turn.
Quickly the months passed by and somehow we never seemed to be able to find the time to catch up. (Despite the fact that I was on holidays and took a six-week break from flying!). I faced a lot of questions from concerned friends. They tried to convince me that he was a catfish. (And there were times when I even worried about this myself!). And ultimately, this is when the alarm bells started ringing.
At first, he had seemed too good to be true. Yet, as crazy as it seemed, I couldn’t help but pinch myself, as it seemed he was everything I’d asked the universe for… and more!
We would speak on the phone almost every day and everything was perfect.
Sure, he challenged me. But this is what kept things interesting and ultimately he would always bring out the best in me. I felt like I could talk openly with him about absolutely anything and we were both extremely open about our feelings towards one another.
However, every time we made plans to catch up he would disappear off the face of the earth and suddenly I wouldn’t hear from him for days.
Each time, my heart would sink and I wondered what on earth was making him become so distant. I desperately wanted to trust in him and I worried that he was running away from his fear of getting too close to me. My head was telling me that his excuses didn’t quite add up. There seemed to be quite a lot of drama in his life. Yet in my heart, I felt compassion and I truly wanted to offer him the love and support I could sense he was craving.
Eventually, I decided to give him one last chance after returning from my recent vacation in Bali.
Two weeks had passed since I’d returned from my trip and I was excited to finally catch up with him! We picked a day when we were both free. And when the weekend came around, I was excited but also looking forward to spending some much needed R&R time at home before our first date.
That morning I woke up to the usual ‘good morning’ text from him. He was warm and loving and if anything he seemed more affectionate than in recent weeks.
I got up and eased into my Sunday morning, sipping coffee as I flicked through photos from my recent travels. A few hours passed and suddenly I noticed that it was lunchtime. And yet, we had not yet made actual plans on what we were going to do that day! Instantly my heart sank, as I knew at that moment that he was going to bail.
Not wanting to assume the worst, I sent him a text asking if still wanted to catch up. About an hour later my phone rang and to my surprise, he apologised for getting held up. Instantly, I was overcome with nerves, as I ran around the house frantically trying to get ready! When we spoke he was already in the car and he’d said he was on his way to pick me up. Yet several hours later, there was still no sign of him. And, not only did he stand me up, but I haven’t heard from him since!
Yes, I have been hurt. In fact, my heart feels like it has been shattered into a tiny million pieces! But I am strong and deep down inside I know I will be okay.
Yet, somehow, I can’t help but feel like the universe has played some sort of sick joke on me. I’ve had my heart broken over and over again in the past ten years. But this is a whole new low. GHOSTED BY A TINDER CATFISH!
It not only hurts, but it’s almost embarrassing to share this story with you all!
I thought twice about sharing this post as it’s extremely personal. Yet, I am determined not to give up on finding love and I hope that I can offer you some support if you too have been hurt during the dating game.